Through our time on the planet, we develop perspectives on life from our experiences, and from our thought and feeling lives, some of us more fully worked through and conscious, others dimly sensed. Our observations and our memories abound—whether on the surface or buried within, to be sorted out when circumstances arise calling for reflection. In times of crisis or turmoil, we review, re-imagine, reshape and transform our outlook—and may make changes, based on that review. Our perspectives, lighter or darker in mood and meaning bring comfort or pain, bind us together or isolate us, inspire us or haunt us.
In adolescence we begin to form our perspective on life, to create our “map of the world.” As we continue to observe and learn about the world and ourselves, the topography shifts, expanding or circumscribing boundaries. We begin to look fondly on childhood’s rosy glow, recalling those carefree, innocent years. We may remember a garden where roses grew the summer long, and begin to realize how unaware we were then of threats of thorn, blight, or how quickly they fade. When we look at maps, it’s the things we don’t see that may be the most important. If there has been trauma in our early years, a childhood cut short is grieved. Evermore our memories of it bring confusion, pain and/or shame, often eclipsing the normally-anticipated joys of coming of age and adjustment to adulthood.
Whether joyful or mournful, memories come unbidden, their moods and meanings woven into life's tapestry, beautifully formed or misshapen, brilliant glimmers or dark shadows. At times of crisis or great change, we may reflect on our perspective whether imagined as a map or tapestry. In doing so, we then must live in the present and imagine the future.
The year 2020 brought a time of uncertainty, of precautions and restrictions to quell the spread of the Covid pandemic. There was confusion and changing information almost daily. There was fear and then doubt with a president and others who minimized the dangers and/or denied in some cases that there really was no pandemic at all, ignoring the science and smearling the experts with lifelong experience and expertise in epidemiology. Thousands filled hospitals and thousands were dying each day, challenging to the max doctors and healthcare workers. Loved ones often were sick or dying without family around in the hospital or burials. While many people were able to work from home, other essential service workers risked, and sometimes lost their lives to remain at their jobs, and school children began learning remotely.
We were at a standstill in our ability to meet and gather with others for social, cultural events and activites, or and other “normal” situation, visit each other, or even be with loved ones who had contracted Life as we knew it had stopped short, and we found ourselves isolated in place with neither any sense of when, how or if it would end or what lay beyond. Some of us experienced situational depression and anxiety (or existing conditions were exacerbated). All we could do was hope and pray that family and friends would remain well. There was gratitude for selfless service of health care, and other essential workers, and inspiration from many acts of kindness and compassion. We saddened to hear of tributes about the lives lived by those lost, of the grief for fellow Americans, as death rate climbed into the hundreds of thousands at home and millions worldwide. Still we were gratitude for those who were unaffected, and the for the variety of ways were able to remain in touch during our isolation. Virtual human warmth on Zoom, FaceTime or Texts our ways of communicating, expressing common concerns and experience with friends and family.
Almost as soon as we became aware of the national emergency came that doub and denials, resistance to precautions to prevent further Covid cases. It was one thing to have the uncertainty and confusion at the beginning, but quite another to have the US President deny that it was a problem at all or worese yet an invented hoax to further divide an already divided nation. There was an obvious and harmful failure of national leadership to address the pandemic in any coherent, consistent to affirm and follow the guidance of based on data, research from those most knowledgable about disease and global pandemics. We were asked to trust and believe a president with mentioned many times that he makes decisions on his gut feelings. Later we found from a video taped interview that he knew the danger and purposely played it down (saying it doesn't exist or is over before it had really begun is of course more than playing it down. But that is another story.
Many of us can have formed the perspective that life is too often a “rock and hard place.” We are not in control as we sometimes believe or wish ourselves to be. Although we continue to responsibly prioritize and plan anyway, all the while we must be prepared that ultimately our plans may be thwarted by any number of reasons. Now we are living that truth as never before, more or less affected based on various factors: our age, experience, frame of reference, predisposition, attitude and personality, anxiety and fear, or complete denial. We see at least unified in the common experience of uncertainty and falling away of norms of all kinds. Surprisingly, some of us “sheltering at home” to avoid the spread of the virus, to “flatten the curve," have become aware that, at least, this slowed, more manageable pace of life is not at all bad in and of itself.
We have time and opportunity to reflect, sort out our perspective, take out our worn out map and review where we were, where we are and where we would like to/need to be when we when/if we finally emerge. Whether or not we like it, we cannot help sensing our inner thoughts, feelings and memories more than ever, which can also induce anxiety, if we have been skimming the surface of life, distracted by overbooked, whirlwind days; pushing down thoughts and feelings, reacting to circumstances--rather than initiating them (which is probably most of us).
Now is the time to reflect: “If a man does not master his circumstances, then he is bound to be mastered by them” (Towles , A Gentlemen in Moscow).
I find myself more active in both thinking and feeling these days, more nostalgic, more thoughtful, more emotional—floods of memories, sadness, gratitude all a blurry mix. The memories are not of times long past, rather within a year's when I was making plans to travel, have friends over, go to dinner with my husband, participate in our granddaughter’s second birthday and enjoy a visit from our son and family on Easter and so much more!
I am not alone—ordinary, everyday lives everywhere were crammed brimful with the bustle of living. Although not long ago, it all seems very far away, in between worry that we may lose family or friends to this deadly virus.
Even if I, or no one I know personally is brought down by the virus, there is still the sad knowledge that everyone is vulnerable, as millions have been ill worldwide and probably millions will or have died of the Covid19 pandemic. There is a feeling of connection to others throughout the world, so that even in isolation there is no separation.
Everything has changed!
Thinking about the past, present, and imagining the “after” of this crisis, seems to me to have extraordinary, almost super-sensible aspects, and I wonder what it means—not only for me and my family, but also for America and the world. Is the global spread of this illness and death another Noah’s arc? A purge—not as punishment, but an outer manifestation of humanity’s inner “soul state”? Is it a moment of grace for some in the midst of a tragedy for many? Is it a wake up call to care for an ailing earth as well as for one another? Do we need to deeply consider and fully realize things will never be the same—more importantly, that things have to be different? We have already seen that the absence of traffic, travel and business has essentially cleansed the environment of noise and air pollution and thereby reduced symptoms of respiratory illness, and stress levels on Mother Earth and on humans (probably on all living things). How is it that there can be a redistribution of resources for health and welfare in this crisis, but those who have suffered in desperate situations prior to this can be ignored, turned away, caged and forgotten? What are we learning and will we apply it? How do we redraw our individual, as well as a national/world map to portray life as it could be beyond the crisis? Can we, should we, will we ever “go back” to how things were? Will we master our circumstances or will we allow them to master us?
It seems a principle, both individually and historically that once we leave one condition behind, or it is interrupted for whatever reason, there is no “going back.” Even if that were possible, it seems to me a seismic shift like a pandemic demands reflection and creative choices from all and in all directions of life? “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— / I took the one less traveled by, / And that has made all the difference (Frost “The Road Not Taken”).
Since we must go forward, wouldn’t it be wise and wonderful to go toward something new, something better, or at least different, based on what has been experienced, learned and long-wished for and/or much needed? We are left to imagine what we will do and how, and to consider that when we individuals make changes, even in small ways, everything around us also changes. When the old falls away—from war, natural disaster, social turmoil, or in our personal lives from the weight and ware of our illusions (in this case, a pandemic) something new can come into being.
We have only to look to the rhythms of nature: the seasons and the heavens: Each month the moon wanes to a sliver of silver light fading to dark new moon…then waxes to a brilliant full rising. So it is in all of life! Will we as individuals, and more widely, as towns, states, and nations (since there is no separation): rethink, reimagine and transform our maps into something more healthful for mind, body and soul, more human, more beautiful and able to sustain our common needs, our rights, and our planet?
Life is defined not by what we let go, but what we let in….
(Call the Midwife Season 9, Episode 2)
