FOR THIS ONLY

For this only will I awaken--
the blooming of the night flower

to touch the thinness of its petals
to inhale the fragrance of its perfume

Only the sun’s rays cools my desire 
for the blossom
Whose color creates the veils of evening
Veils between morning and myself

Here and Now

Original Cover of Walden

Time is relative.
Isn’t everything? It’s all a matter of perspective and perception. Newton said,“Time is absolute, flowing  uniformly for all observers," and that it is related to  gravity and velocity. Hello, Einstein and Newton. I do not understand Einstein’s Theory of Relativity or Newton’s concept of Absolute Time. 

        I do know our experience of time is slower when we are enduring things unpleasant or boring, and faster when enjoying the joyful and pleasant things in life. I also believe when we look back on our lives, we will feel our time on earth was short (if not "nasty and brutish," as philosopher Thomas Hobbs famously characterized it). 

        John Lennon once described time simply as,  "that which keeps everything from happening at once. Imagine that!
        “Time is a but a stream I go a-fishing in.” Hello, Henry David Thoreau, whose thoughts are far easier to grasp than are Einstein’s, Newton’s, or John Lennon’s for that matter. Thoreau’s statement in Walden: or a Life in Woods is worth further consideration, as is his other observation that, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." Thoreau's description of time as a stream to go fishing in suggests that time just "IS," and we can leisurely cast in and out of its eternal waters, pulling out what we will without an awareness of time itself. 
        In Walden, he reminds us of the “way of the world,” with its desperations, urgencies, distractions and pre-occupations. How much more so is it  now, with the nation/world in seeming chaos, and we, often rushing around to “get it all done”—maybe stressed, anxious and sometimes neglectful of more important demands and pleasures of the mind, heart, soul, of each other, and the gifts of nature?
        What would Thoreau have to say about we live now? We live by the calendar and clock for our day, week, month and year, looking ahead to whatever work we must complete, or event to prepare for: an upcoming birthday, a holiday, a social event, getting children off to school, and ourselves to our jobs. We must fight traffic; catch a flight; prepare a report; or a meal; pay bills; make phone calls; keep appointments.

        When we find time, or make it, we are on our devices with apps downloaded for everything imaginable--scrolling social media or news, playing video games or binge-watching TV.

       Yep, we have once again been cast out of The Garden, having taken a huge bite of an Apple of another kind!
        There is no end in sight—unless we stop to dip into “the stream," forgetting that time exists at all. Thoreau's thoughts are still relevant today, except that our desperation is not "quiet." It's loud and clear, as the pace of life has escalated exponentially. Thoreau saw where we were headed at the speed of light. And yet, how could he have imagined that we would be headed back to the future, going chronologically forward in time, but stuck in unaddressed grievances from the Civil War, to the censorship of “cancel culture,” ongoing racial, gender, and human rights concerns?  

        Don’t get me started!
        While we do live in the present, our thoughts are often focused on the past or future. Remaining in the moment is difficult, which becomes obvious when we attempt to meditate or clear our minds of brain chatter. Being in the present seems more possible when we are in love (with a person or a project). Then no one or nothing else exists. Being present also seems more possible when we are with children, who compel us (if we are attentive and follow their lead) to live and love each moment, mostly in play and imagination. To quote another voice: "...the Present is the point at which time touches eternity.” (C. S. Lewis)
        I became well aware of the not living in the present when visiting our four-year old grandson, Finn. I told him I would be leaving “tomorrow” and that I would be sad to leave. Without skipping a beat, he said, “It’s not tomorrow now.” The simple truth of his words penetrated my being to realize how I had rather selfishly imposed the future on Finn, when he lives only in the present—the "here and now,” as children do. He challenged me to be truly with him—not to worry about “tomorrow," only the experience the joy of our being together in the here and now.
        When my mind is filled with the past and future, or drifts off to realize the absurdity of our existing on a little blue planet spinning madly, orbiting our sun star through dark, cold, infinite space, I have to stop, put up an imaginary "Gone Fishin" sign and sit under a tree, or gaze at the starry sky. Then my racing heart and mind is calmed and silenced enough to feel the warmth of the sun, the coolness of a breeze, to listen to the sound a lake water lapping the shore, or to hear crickets at summer’s end—“so thin a splinter of singing.” (Carl Sandburg)
        Then I exist in “timelessness” -- before I again enter the madly spinning world where, actually, everything IS happening at once!

        

 Here and Now

Here

where everything and nothing is real

Now

when there is no truth

 and all paths lead

everywhere and nowhere

Refuse to stand at either pole

or be forever lost in between

One thing is clear

YOU are a fixed star

All things exist in relation to you

orbit in your sphere

are held in balance by you—

Here and Now

                                                            Sandra Williams                 

SUN DANCE (1990)

On one of our visits to the Rosebud Reservation in South Dakota, my husband Bob and I were invited to a Sun Dance. The reservation is home to the Sicangu Lakota Oyate (1) We accompanied  Edna Little Elk, known to all as Unci (grandmother), Alice Four Bears and Tate (Unci's young granddaughter). The Sun Dance was to be held for several days in Kyle, on the Pine Ridge Reservation, home to the Oglala Lakota Oyate. The Sun Dance would be held in honor of tribal members, Joe Eagle Elk and Stanley Red Bird (2).  Unci and Alice, as Lakota elders, were the honored guests.
      We drove for two hours on some crude, winding hills and dirt roads. It was a cool and windy day with low, heavy clouds in the sky, even though it was summer.
When we arrived, we were shown to a tipi with a central fire. The tipi was for the women Sun Dancers who would arrive later. Shortly after, Sam Wounded Head, medicine man, came to welcome us. Then, he handed Unci the Sacred Pipe and spoke to the elders in Lakota. Sitting facing west, they held out their arms to him for a ceremonial sacrificial offering of Lakota tribal blood in which a small bit of flesh was taken and wrapped in a cloth to be placed at the Sacred Tree at the center of the Sun Dance circle. We were then all offered the pipe. 
    Unci asked Bob and me to gather women's sage out on prairie, which we did and returned to the tipi to wait for the dancers. When they arrived, they went into a sweat lodge for purification and then returned to prepare for the Sun Dance. Some wrapped shawls around their shoulders; some adorned themselves with sage wreaths around their wrists or ankles. We all then went to the Sun Dance circle and watched the men and women dancers enter, at the east of the circle. Together the dancers all turned toward each of the four directions. Then the drums and singing began, seeming to me like the heartbeat of the community, as all danced around the Sacred Tree, holding up their hands to it at the mention of Wakan Tanka, the Creator of all that is. It was very moving--this ritual of prayer and celebration--its reverence and meaning.
    At the end of this day's Sun Dance, Unci again received the Sacred Pipe, lit it and passed it around to all who had watched and prayed for the dancers. I will never forget the gift of that day--the honor it was to be there and to have meet many Lakota people on both Rosebud and Pine Ridge Reservations during our visit.





The Badlands  - Pine Ridge

     I could not stop thinking then and, from time to time, even now how Native Americans all over the country had once lived in harmony with nature and had so many ways in there culture to express it, as we had witnessed at that Sun Dance. When the Europeans came, that way of life was doomed, as there was a violation and fragmenting of their lives with the decimation their means of survival--the buffalo; the taking of children to be sent far away to schools to "civilize" them. There was a censoring or abolishment of everything held sacred, including the Lakota language (3). Though many treaties were made, most were to gain more land and to marginaize Native Americans to reservations and many signed treaties were broken to accomplish the goal of "Manifest Destiny," claiming all the land from the east to the west coasts.
    During our visits to South Dakota, we met both White and Native people involved in initiatives to revive and preserve the language and culture of the Lakota people, as is the case across the country for other tribes. We met Ron Goodman (2), a poet and teacher from Virginia, who worked with others in this effort, then teaching at Sinte Gleska, a public tribal land-grant university in the town of Mission on Rosebud. Goodman authored, with Stanley Red Bird, Lakota Star Knowledge, which describes how the heavens were looked to as a source and guide for seasonal, practical and cultural aspects of life for the Lakota.
     Sadly, we also saw the lasting effects on many Lakota--tormented faces in the towns, rife with illness, addiction, crime and poverty. It was heartbreaking! Fortunately, history has left us documents, photos and the words of Native Americans about their way of life--their beliefs and wisdom from the period during and after contact with the Europeans. The faces in these photos seem noble and strong, as their culture once was--aware of their ancestors and the spiritual nature of life with connection to all of creation, represented in daily rituals, and in ceremonies such as the Sun Dance.
    The Lakota have a saying: Mitakuye Oyasin (All My Relatives), or
"relations," meaning everything and everyone in creation.

     Chief Seattle, of the Squamish tribe (whose traditional land was in British Columbia), gave a speech before the Medicine Creek Treaty was to be signed 1854. By then, Native American lives and ways had already changed,  and they knew what was still to come.

His entire speech at: https://suquamish.nsn.us/home/about-us/chief-seattle-speech
Here is an excerpt:
    "....There was a time when our people covered the land as the waves of a wind-ruffled sea cover its shell-paved floor, but that time long since passed away with the greatness of tribes that are now but a mournful memory.... And when the last Red Man shall have perished, and the memory of my tribe shall have become a myth among the White Men, these shores will swarm with the invisible dead of my tribe, and when your children’s children think themselves alone in the field, the store, the shop, upon the highway, or in the silence of the pathless woods, they will not be alone. In all the earth there is no place dedicated to solitude. At night when the streets of your cities and villages are silent and you think them deserted, they will throng with the returning hosts that once filled them and still love this beautiful land. The White Man will never be alone...."
    Let him be just and deal kindly with my people, for the dead are not powerless. Dead, did I say? There is no death, only a change of worlds...."





Chief Seattle of the Squamish people



* NOTES:
1. The Lakota have seven bands or sub-tribes. The Sicungu of Rosebud and the Oglala of Pine Ridge (where Wounded Knee took place) are two of them. "Oyate" means "people."

2. Stanley Red Bird, was a founder of Sinte Gleska University, and main source for Ron Goodman's book Star Knowledge (availalbe on Amazon). See Sandra's blog on Ron Goodman at: https://cosmicseanotes.blogspot.com/2009/08/my-friend-poet-ron-goodman.html

3. It is worthwhile to note the documented current attempts to erase Native American history and events that took place as if they never happened.  These historic happenings are sometimes interpreted as blame and accusation of White people, which may make them "uncomfortable," or in an effort to imply that there are no misdeeds in American history. However, the documented history not only needs to stand, for that is what  the "history" is, but also as reminders of what can happen when there is intent to wield and hold power over others by any means. We, who live in this age, are not responsible for what happened back then, but, as part of humanity, for truth's sake, we must accept what occurred as reminders that history can and does repeat itself IF we are not aware, vigilant and active in being aware and attempting to ensure it does not.

On The Death My Uncle

A figure short and dark

You melted hearts with  your smile

Childlike and sad

You said goodbye to your parents.

Now, your children 

In the "solemnest of industries”

Grieve and disbelieve

Struggling to accept 

your mysterious disappearance.

Within them, they will carry you

While she broods

Trying to reconcile

Years of frying peppers and watching pigeons

With the promise of loneliness

The birds oblivious

Roost, take flight, encircle their sanctuary

With no tears to disturb their iridescent coats

They return to peck in blessed ignorance 

About the yard

Where once in crimson and lime

The roses of our youth grew the summer long

Worm and thorn hiden from our eyes

And frost on the way

                                        1980

ROME

In Rome

I saw no Coliseum or cats

No hand of God drawn by the Maestro

In the Sistine Chapel

I saw only the cracked ceiling of the stanza

Whereupon I traced out my destiny

With fear and regret

The space was all filled by morning

And you—restless

Over your vino or cappuccino

Wondering where to draw a line

to or from me

You’ve drawn a circle instead

me on the outside

Lifetimes ago

I drew myself there too

On the ceiling before I left Rome

Without seeing the Coliseum or the Sistine Chapel

What is at the top of the Spanish Steps? 

                                                            (Rome 1972)

                     And again

               into a dark passage

               all night

               the moon bright

               moves across the sky

               toward morning

               may this dark passage

               like a lunar pilgrimage

               lead us into light,

Beyond

words and images

Beyond

Experience and memory

Beyond

stories we tell ourselves

Beyond

here and now 

Beyond

time and space

THERE is

there I was

there I am

there I will be

WE

We

who create 

 observe, are shown 

hear the call 

may answer in our narrow lives

with boundless imagination

fertile ground of co-creation

We 

sorrowful live 

endure the intractable

the unwrought, the unspoken

all that is asked of us

We

Strive to perfect

what we've brought

what we've received

what we will leave

 

to light the way 

through the labyrinth

of this thin veil

WHAT MATTERS?

I have always been interested in world religions, what they teach and what is essential, common tenets across the spectrum. Of course, everyone must find his/her own way in faith and matters of spirituality (or not). I am not a Buddhist, nor am I evangelizing for Buddhism; however, if practiced, there is of much value in its Noble Eightfold Path--a more conscious way of living, and it supports other religious faiths, if one so chooses.

    The Eightfold Path was thought to be revealed in the first sermon of the founder of Buddhism, Siddhartha Gautama (563 to 483 B.C), known as the Buddha. He achieved enlightenment after being tempted three times while meditating for 49 days under a Bodhi tree, during.  Enlightement, put simply, is a realization of the true nature of reality, imparting both wisom and compassion. He did not claim to be a god, and is not considered such to his followers. Buddha was a teacher who shared his experience and insights and a way to achieve enlightenment.

    For me, the eight tenets of this path embody ideals to aspire to in order to be more mindful of how we live and how we relate to other human beings. The following is a paraphrased/simplified description of each. *

1. Right Understanding: The realization of the true nature of reality, embodied in the Four Noble Truths: The truth of suffering, the truth of the cause of suffering, the truth of the end of suffering, and the truth of the path that leads to the end of suffering.
2. Right Resolve: Cultivates wholesome and ethical intentions, including renouncing harmful or violent actions, developing goodwill and compassion toward all beings, and non-attachment.
3. Right Speech: Being aware of what, how and why you are apeaking, and to whom. Abstaining from lying, divisive speech, abusive speech, and idle chatter, causing discord or harm through your speech.
4. Right Action (Conduct): Causing no injury, bodily or otherwise harm to others, not taking what is not given, no excessive material desires. It aims to promote peaceful, honorable, and moral conduct.
5. Right Livelihood: Earning a living that is ethical and doesn't harm others or oneself, engaging in compassionate activities to make a living in a way that creates happiness, wisdom, and well-being, while relieving suffering.
6. Right Effort: Guarding the “sense-doors,” restraint of the sense faculties to rid oneself of unwholesome thoughts, words and actions, and, ultimately, to perfect a good and wholesome state of being.
7. Right Mindfulness: Guarding/watching over the mind for thoughts that take over or dominate. The weaker they become, the stronger wholesome states of mind become. Avoid distractions or being absent minded, rather being conscious of what one is thinking, saying and doing.
8. Right Concentration: The centering of consciousness, evenly and rightly on a single object (meditative state).
         * (https://en.winkipedia.org/wiki/Noble_Eightfold_Path#)

    These are questions I had when I first looked into the Eightfold Path:
1. What would it mean to be aware of and follow each one of these tenets, for me and for others? 

2. What would it mean for me and for others if we do not follow them? 

These, and other questions may be pondered from time to time to “check in” to see if one is being true to these ideals. So that all this isn’t too abstract, I share an example of checking in for Right Speech, which to me implies written communication as well as spoken.

• What is the purpose of my speaking?
• Do I need to say everything I am thinking? (usually not)
• Is it necessary or helpful that I speak it.
• Will its purpose be understood?
• Am I too impulsive in what, how and why I am communicating?
• How can I speak in the most essential, concise and clear way devoid of small talk, gossip, digressing, or rambling?
• Is there an element in my communication of “one-upmanship,”or a subtle unhelpful, sarcastic tone?
• Am I speaking just to prove I am right about something, even if it is factual/true, rather noting when it is subjective/opion or unproven.

        These questions may seem excessive or obsessive; however, for one following Buddhism, they are no different from other ways people attempt to adhere to their faiths. Altough I have been drawn to the Eightfold Path, see its value and attempt to follow the the ideals of the eightfold path, no doubt, I fall short and “forget to remember” to regularly check in, but there is always “try and try again!”

        Buddhists may have much to say about my calling the Eightfold Path “ideals” or cherry-picking this aspect of Buddhism, as there is a much greater understanding to be grasped and followed if one were to consider oneself a Buddhist, though the Eightfold Path is central to any of its branches, and seems like common sense for every day life, or a lifetime, no matter if one has a spiritual path or not. 

To me, it is what matters.

Handpainted Tongka by Tibetan refugee

SWING OF THE SEA: a work in progress

                                            I

                                SWING OF THE SEA

I am haunted by numberless islands, and many a Danaan shore,/Where Time would surely forget us, and Sorrow come near us no more;/Soon far from the rose and the lily, and fret of the flames would we be,/Were we only white birds, my   beloved, buoyed out on the foam of the sea! ("White Birds" -W.B. Yeats)

A heart broken may open with empathy for others and for oneself. Or, under the weight of pain, a heart may close until it does not feel pain—or pleasure. Hope recedes in the humbled heart, abiding—in the dark, eclipsing the heart’s deepest longing. And yet, a gift of grace (who knows how or from where?) in quiet advent comes to illuminate what is, rather than what is wished for.

                                             ****

       Celia lies restless in the dead of night, her husband warm next to her, but she is cold to the bone, and the house quiet as a grave. She tells herself, “Count your blessings. Things could be worse, so count them and be grateful. Oh, if only they could. She cannot remember how it feels to feel good with a hopeful heart. In her despair, she wishes to disappear, or alternatively to flee to a place where “few lilies blow…out of the swing of the sea.” She once thought a place like that existed—somewhere. Celia conjures up, as she has countless times—that lucid dream on a rainy day long ago in Boston. 

        

        She ducks into a cafe and takes a window table with a single white lily in a red glass vase. In a moment, she feels an intense warmth overtaking her senses, like a rising tide. She inhales the flower’s perfume, the aroma of espresso, delights in the fanciful arrangement of delicate fruit and cream pastries, hears the sound of falling rain. Across the way she notices a brownstone—a lamp lit at the window. In the rapture of it all, she imagines she will leave the cafe, cross the street to her true home and while away the afternoon gazing through her very own window on the world, raindrops gathering on the glass pane—alone and at peace.

        Just then, a petite woman who looks both young and old is before her blocking the view. “Bon jour, Madam,” Celia hears as a song and marks her enigmatic smile as she places a cafe au lait Celia had intended to order on the table. “Anything else you desire, Madam?”

“No...no, nothing, nothing at all," as the mood evaporates like a fading dream. She picks up the pink paper bill left on the table and thinks, a small amount come due for a castle in the air. So strange is the experience that, after reluctantly leaving the cafe, she wondered if the light across the way went out, and the once-warm cafe is now only a cold, empty store front. 

Remembering the experience brings back the feeling of concentric circles of longing emerging from her center, drawing her toward the peace felt on a drizzly day of daydreams—a misty memory to lie awake with—again on this night.

Is it truly my heart’s desire to dwell in a timeless room, in a Brighton brownstone, in the city of Boston, in the state of Massachusetts, on the North American continent, on planet Earth, in the Milky Way—one of billions of galaxies in an infinite universe?  Have I lost all hope or just struggling with letting go of a false hope? They say, "The truth will set you free.”

        She turns over, fluffs her pillow and pulls the covers up to her chin, as she drifts off into the few hours left before dawn, imagining angels circling above. She doesn’t believe in angels. She doesn't believe she is one of the lucky ones who can.

                                                  ****

How does one let go of a dream, an illusion, the pain of loss or betrayal, at last to grasp that nothing is ours to let go of? A letting go would seem to bring release, but bittersweet—the “comfort” of truth gradually awakening consciousness, its waves crashing over the heart. 

    Consciousness is thus: We do not know what we do not know—until we do. Then, the truth may set us free to see the reality--but also to endure it.