HOUSE ON SIXTH AVENUE

Maria and Antonio DiGuilermo (Williams)

 outside their row home on Sixth Avenue

in Conshohocken, PA

This is what my father-in-law told me happened to him when he was boy living in on Sixth Avneue, Conshohocken, a small town outside of Philadelphia: “When I asked my father for a dime, he picked me up and heaved me against the wall.”

His father worked hard in a cement factory, and at other menial jobs for long hours in the cold, sometimes away from home for periods of time. An Italinan immigrant, he, like so many others lie him, left what was probably a rural poor village with no education, skills or prospects for the future. He came with a wife Maria and their one child at the time in1903. The family grew each year quickly include eight other children. Their small back yard was a garden of tomatoes, peppers, zucchini, fruit and herbs, and grapevines to make wine--all to sustain them through the winters.

There was always dinner on the table when the man of the house came home and took his rightful place as lord and master of his domain. However meager, inadequate the "kingdom" might have been, it was likely the only place he could command respect and deference, while women took their designated places caring for as many children as were conceived and everything else involved in managing a household.

For immigrant families all over America, their homeland would became a misty but precious memory in the new world without the familiarity and warmth of land and language, the villages and an extended family for support. In the old world at least there were the beauty of landscape, the blood ties, evenings with friends before a hearth fire and maybe there was a song to comfort, temper and deepen a young soul. While here in America there may have been other opportunities, the comforts were few. Of course, neighborhoods then tended to be of one or another ethnic group around a parish church, which allowed the immigrant residents to gather togehter for some for cultural and social customs and traditions.

My father-in-law was the youngest of the nine brothers and sisters. I never heard him speak a word against his father, whom he obviously respected (but maybe also feared as a child?). Antonio DiGuielermo was a proud, hard-working, man who had lived his short life as best he could, fulfilling his responsibility to provide the bare necessities for his family after arriving in a foreign land to start over. Maybe that is all that this father, uneducated and unskilled, living day to day could manage in his life, if he was lucky.

Considering the hardships involved, providing the necessities was a deed in itself. He and others had to move swiftly, unawares, from childhood to adulthood, sometimes without even the bare of necessities—let alone the reflection for self-awareness and empath. He must have struggled mightily to bring those necessities to his own family.

Everyone else assumed their parts, as well, some no less challenging then the father's role. The wife's: to bear children, work day and night to care for and feed them; wash and sew clothes by hand; keep the house in order; tend the garden, put up harvest for winter; and wait on the father when he was home. There may not have been much understanding at that time that children are individuals with their own experiences, minds, desires, hopes and potential. Rather, they were hungry mouths to feed and sturdy bodies to put to use--and they were to be "seen and not heard."

These are the impressions I had from the stories my father-in-law told over and again through the years, some as subconscious burdens, no doubt, to bear through a lifetime. And I heard no other stories to displace the ones of a stern, unforgiving father, with not a glimmer of warmth (if there was time for such). I had, however, heard my father-in-law's fond memories about his mother, who lived into her 90's. I was fortunate to have met her when I came into the family. Still, there was an unspoken sense that any transgression on the father's part toward his wife or children could be rationalized in the context of the hardships of his and maybe existence in general.

Decades after the father man had crossed the threshold from earthly trials, probably inhis 50's to whatever lay beyond, my husband and I took my father-in-law, already in his later years, along with Rosie, one of his widowed sisters, to visit Mary, the oldest living sister and her husband Lou. There was a warm welcome, a huge meal, and later time to sit around the table to reminisce with laughter and tears. The topic turned from childhood memories of their neighborhood, to long-ago holidays spent all together at the small row home on Sixth Avenue, to their early married years with young children Then, inevitably, the conversation turned to Carmen, the youngest brother who had died at age sixteen.

There are always memories or stories repeated in families, some happy, some tragic, which have a way of casting a certain mood that can fills the inner and outer spaces of a gathering. This was such a one. I had heard about Carmen many times, but now I heard about him from Rosie, who revealed her own experienc of being a little girl in that house. Perhaps it was the first time her brother and sister heard about her recollections. Rosie was a sweet, delicate women, almost bird-like in her movements and child-like in her demeanor and speech—an open, generous soul. She became somber as she remembered the events surrounding Carmen's death.

One day, over 60 years ago, she was getting ready for school. It was a bitterly cold morning, and the innocent, young girl was doing what girls do joyfully, combing her hair and singing a song. Her father stormed in and shoved her out of the bathroom. Carmen was still asleep, having been ill the night before. She remembered that her father shook him awake and dragged him out of bed despite his illness, so he wouldn't be late to walk the distance to the dairy farm, where he would work outside all day.

That afternoon, walking home from school, Rosie said she heard a voice, “Who do you want to lose, your father or your brother?” As she got to this part of the tale, her face transformed into that of a grieving madonna, with confusion and pain she must have felt at that very moment so long ago. She said she the thought, and said outloud to us, in her characteristic way, “Ooo, I can’t choose between Pop and Carmen.'”

She didn’t have to.

When she got home, she found that Carmen had died that day (later they found of pneumonia). Rosie didn't say what that questioning voice she heard may have been: her conscience, her fears, her wishes to have family harmony, ESP, or even the prophetic voice of God. She just told the story, and we listened. I was stunned, trying to comprehend the effects of on the rest of the family, carried through a lifetime. Nothing was said in response to Rosie’s story that day about questioning voice. There was a silent moment when we all took in what she had shared and also to honor the memory of their lost brother. Then the mood, meaning and images evoked by Rosie slowly faded.

I had the sense that my father-in-law and the others had to ignore, at least outwardly, the implication that their father was as cruel as the facts of Rosie's story confirmed, and that his sister, as well as the other siblings may have been as deeply affected by their childhoods and the loss of a brother that could have been avoided.

What did it mean, I wondered, that the family never openly spoke to each other about the relationship of Carmen’s death to his having been forced to work on that bitter cold, last day of his young life. At the least, it meant that no blame was openly attributed in order to preserve the family mythology and to have avoided the open reckoning of it.

Whatever may have transpired after Carmen's death, I have no knowledge of, but I do know that people, in general often do not question the what, how and why of their lives (including myself) to avoid the pain, and maybe it is better that way in some cases. Still, I can only hope that there was also tenderness, love, and yes, the pain of remorse felt in the heart of the father, head of the household on Sixth Avenue— if not seen by others. Even if only brief moments of doubt before sleep, or upon waking--the way a small shaft of light and warmth edges its way into a dark room through a door left slightly ajar.

On the Pitfalls of Fundamentalism (of any kind)

God and Satan were walking down the street one day; the Lord bent down to pick something up.

He gazed at it glowing radiantly in His hand. Satan, curious, asked, “What’s that?”

“This,” answered the Lord, “is Truth.”

“Here," replied Satan as he reached for it, "Let me have that--I’ll organize it for you.”
(Ram Dass)

ALL THE DIFFERENCE

What is it that slowly begins to threaten all that appears to have been built up? All that a soul first anticipates, desires, creates, expects and lives with, then may realize that all is not well. And what is life then if not creation and destruction--random or intentional? Attributed to Socrates is the pronouncement, "The unexamined life is not worth living." The nature of life seems to be that once it establishes itself, with our many illusions: what we think we want, need, must accomplish, wish were true for ourselves and others, it is unlikely that we intentionally step outside to observe in order to examine and make changes. It might happen that circumstances arise that force us to go in another direction, or we may tire of the pain and suffering we endure and feel determined to change, but the feeling fades, we falter, and continue on the same path instead of the "road less travelled," where we may learn that nothing is as it appears to be.
    Whether our life is examined or not, there still may be suffering and many tears. But if examined, there may also be understanding which will be worth the effort. Take that road! If we do not, we will continue to tread the same path, too fearful to veer off the familiar into the "undiscovered country." Like Dante at the beginning of his journey into light, we may see the only way to go forward is to face the obstacles, that is through hell. It is only a true desire and the will to free ourselves from the anxiety and desperation that we can move forward.
    Sometimes we are forced under a brilliant light cast by pain of any kind to see with more clarity, which can guide us toward change. Very rarely do we turn with deliberate intent to observe the forms and patterns that hold us in place. It is hard to turn, as Plato revealed in his "Allegory of the Cave." The prisoner remains in chains, gazing forward into the shadow forms, rather than into the harsh source of light.
    By the time I turned to look at the pattern of my life, however safe it may have appeared to others, I felt it was a path through a garden overgrown—some parts green, dense and thriving; some withered and dried; some blighted, or swept by storms, and here and there completely barren spots, as if from draught and darkness. Even if forced to look, it takes a long time--maybe a lifetime--to understand what we see how we have lived. There are those who never look, those who look and turn away, convincing themselves they have not seen what they saw. Some look, but are not prepared for what they see and may be shattered. Then there are those who look, open to own what they see, or integrate what has been, and eventually can say, as I have, “This has been and ever will be part of my life.” When I had looked long enough and hard enough, I thought I saw a glimmer in the distance, beyond an overgrown path with obstacles ahead. I am a wayfarer, still on my way toward the light.

The Wayfarer,

Perceiving the pathway to truth

Was struck with astonishment.

It was thickly grown with weeds.

“Ha,” he said,

“I see that none has passed here

in a long time.”

Later he saw that each weed

Was a singular knife.

“Well,” he mumbled at last,

“Doubtless there are other roads.” (Crane).

On the Anniversary of My Brother's Death

My Brother, Ron died of an overdose on March 4, 2004.

excerpt from: Soul Biography (work in progress)

Our family had grown to include a brother and another sister. I don't know if my father had all the conventional hopes a father has for a son. I suppose expectations for children are often not realized, as hopefully children develop their own expectations for themselves to become who and what they wish. I do know that my father was harsh in some ways, and maybe more so with my brother. I wonder if my mother spent whatever emotional energy she had—energy a woman might invest more in a male child, hoping to be appreciated and understood by a son more than by a husband. All this is speculation on my part, and questions that have remained beyond his death.
    Looking back, it seemed that early on my brother began to spin a dark web around himself—one in which every member of the family was eventually caught up. That he was a troubled soul became increasingly clear as the years passed. He went his own way, and lived by his own rules. In his younger years, he would go off from the neighborhood leaving everyone to look for him, later there was some vandalism, getting into fights and other sorts of minor incidents—which happened more often into his early teens. He often became the center of concern and attention, as was need. When he enlisted in the army, at first he  seemed to benefit from the rigour and regimentation. When orders came, as was expected, for him to serve in Vietnam, we were all concerned.
    Not long after I had married, Ron came home from Vietnam addicted to heroin, was assigned to a rehab before being discharged, but when he came home for good, he remained addicted on one substance or another. And so, continued life on his own terms—ones that brought him up short of any chance for balance in body, mind and soul. Instead, his life was one long descent into self-destruction, tragically playing itself out over decades, and leaving a lifetime of sorrow and despair for the rest of the family to cope with.
    In and out of rehabiliation, probation and jail terms, he never left the home of our parents who seemed to enable him, alternately calling the police when things got unmanagable, and then droping charges, as they must have felt helpless, hopeless and guilty for what any parent might feel was a betrayal of the unconditional love expected and often felt by parents. The rest of the family suffered, argued, disagreed about what to do or not do. The typical family get togethers for holidays and/or celebrations were never predictable, and, if they happened at at all, were usally interupted by crises involving my brother.

     His life may have been more of a mystery to him than to any one else. There was always a kind of innocence about him and naive incredulity on his part that anyone would be concerned with his life at all--his intelligence and talents fading and finally disappearing into addiction. His association with other troubled souls, the disruption and dysfunction of family life, eratic behavior, verbal abuse, and sometimes violence became the norm.
    I wonder if the meaning of his life was to move us to break the silence, denial and blame lack of self-knowledge, to force us to "take a stand," to help each other, to acknowledge what we lived. We did all of those things from time to time, but never were able engage my parents to reorder their priorities so that there were hopes, dreams and energy for all their children, and for each other. And with endless crises, overdoses, jail terms, court cases--how could there have been a plan that worked, an order of priorties? But that was my wish, my hope.
     He was found dead in a flop house--the realization of decades of fear come to pass. When the police came to tell our parents the bad news, before they could get it out, she asked if he had killed someone?  For a mother to even imagine that could happen, or even that a child would live the life he had and end in tragedy, is still incomprehensible.  But she had seen him at his worst, and feared the worst.  

    Later, when I looked at his death certificate, and the thing that struck me as the most tragic—even more than, “Manner of Death: accident. Cause of Death--adverse effect of drugs—self-administered,” was the line which read “Never Married.” I don’t know why that reality had more of an impact than the other facts listed. Was it because it affirmed that my brother had none of the ordinary experiences of the joys and struggles of human relationship most people have in life. He did have extraordinary highs and long downward spirals, which never resulted in the motivation to live differently--and so a life-long, lingering sadness of a lost soul, leaving a family wondering if anything could anyting have been different, better.  It must be that it all was as it had to be.
    Now, I look back with less emotion, less judgment about anyone’s motives, actions or shortcomings. Why? Because I have had to look at my own human failings and have learned how life can catch us up like a butterfly in a web, like a leaf in the spindrift of a stream—not able, willing or even aware that we are so fixed for a time or a lifetime, not aware that the slightest movement could set us free.
    My brother was a butterfly; he was a leaf. Death set him free. 

    May perpetual light shine upon him.

Over the Rainbow with Finn

Finn and Juju

Our grandchild, Finn has brought such warmth, hope and happiness into our lives, mine ("Nonna") and my husband’s ("Juju"). This new experience, like most in life, has been filled with various emotions, memories, wishes, intentions, but always felt as a blessing. And like any experience there is what we ourselves bring to it and what is brought to it by others. We need only to observe and to reflect, especially when a new being comes among us. We now are living in between the memory of what it was like to be new parents ourselves and how it is to be new grandparents.

     Waiting for Finn to be born was like a long and beautiful dream come true, our own child and his wife starting a family. With the extra long labor of his mother Sanne, at home with a midwife, there was concern for her and the child. We waited. Although our son told us not to come to town until we heard there was a birth and all was well, like disobedient children, we left immediately so we would be nearby until our first born grandchild arrived and we could see him.
     Finally, we were called a day later and made the short walk to see our first born grandchild. The magic had begun. On the walk that beautiful fall day, we saw a rainbow above the town in the direction we were heading. We arrived and tiptoed upstairs to enter the candle-lit room. In the glow, there was the newborn in the sheltering arms of mother and father. It felt like (and always must be) a holy place into which an infant is welcomed with awe and love.
     Finn has been a treasure and constant source of joy and light in all of our lives. He is beautiful, healthy and bright. We all notice and comment on the skills and abilities developing in his body, in his thinking, and marvel at his responses of inner and outer gestures toward others. We marvel at his curiosity and interest in everything around him, at his dexterity with legos and puzzles, in matching colors and shapes. Most notable are his interactions with others with sensitivity and reciprocity.
     We also remark on his incredible memory, as he has begun to articulate where and how something has happened, accompanied with hand gestures and facial expressions, which are most charming and endearing. He is responsive, helpful, wishing and able to participate in all daily activities, like making breakfast, sweeping the floor, washing the dishes and putting his toys back into their proper places. He loves books, pictures, songs, stories and verses. He is fortunate that his mother and his maternal grandmother (Mormor) can, and sometimes do, speak to him in their native Norwegian language and share their love of all outdoor activities, we all have also provided cultural and creative experiences, reading, museums, music and art.
     He looks like his mother, who is beautiful (inside and out), with his light hair, delicate build and blue, blue eyes which look out in a certain way, as if to say, “I know who I am, and/or “I know who you are.” Sometimes he will just look with a very intense, thoughtful gaze and then maybe say a word or thought which reveals a kind of wisdom or insight most remarkable. He wants to do everything and usually learns everything on a first try with a “Finn do it,” or “My to do it.” He can, and he does! He likes to watch videos (when permitted now and then) ones deemed acceptable/appropriate and sometimes necessary in a pinch. It is adorable to see him all comfy and settled with his little snack tray, enthralled, as he lifts a little morsel to his mouth, with an amused smile at the adventures of his animated favorite friends, Kipper, Kaiyu or Hungry "Pillar" (caterpillar).
     Finn has always loved and looks for the moon (moona). This seems so connected to who he is (was or will be). I see this moon love as both what he is attracted to and what he is: everything that is rythmic, bright, mysterious, pure, reflective, but, most of all, circling round the things he loves, as well as attracting those around him into his brilliant sphere of beauty and light. Also, when he talks about the stars and angels, he becomes them, and we all look on with wonder.
     The most wonder-filled thing about Finn is that he thrives on having lots of people around, and when the extended family sit around a table for a meal, or gather in a room, he seems most joyful and content, as we are welcomed into and know we are an important part of Finn’s world and his tender, open heart.
     It seems as though he is like his parents in so many ways. Both his mother, Sanne (aka Mama/Mommy/Mama Mia) and father, Rob, (aka Papa/ Dad/Papa Pia) are creative, energetic, multi-talented, thoughtful, responsible and caring people who love and respect each other. So Finn gets to sew, bake, go for long walks and make things at a craft table with mother, and with his father play drums, build things, draw and wrestle. We all put him first, with patientce, kindness and humor. Ultimately, what Finn is heir to is an exemplery experience of the good, the beautiful and the true. At least, we try to reflect that back to him.
     We do not live so close to Rob, Sanne and Finn, so are unable to be part of their everyday lives, but close enough to visit over a weekend in upstate New York, preferably a long one. Those visits to them and their visits to us, we anticipate beyond imagination. Later, we recall and share something Finn did or said, which may have been ordinary, but seemed amazing because it was our Finn and filled our hearts. Then we again begin looking ahead to the next visit--our lives the deeper and richer for them. They are precious  times in the glow of our dear, growing family, in which Finn has become the center, being the first and only grandchild--for now.
     With Finn’s arrival, a special place has been created within us that is all longing in our hearts, like a nest tucked away among the quiet, fragrant pine boughs or a hidden bowl waiting to be filled with his presence. 

     Then, all is shining and golden, all giving and loving, all receiving. And the bowl is brimful.

A HUNDRED THOUSAND WAYS

Published in New View Magazine (January 2010 issue)

Pentecost, El Greco

“The heart has its own language. The heart knows a hundred thousand ways to speak.”
 Jalāl al-Dīn Muḥammad Rūmī

Joseph Campbell, in his comprehensive exploration of mythologies found that, for the ground of human existence, humanity has, “chosen, not the facts in which the world abounds, but the myths of an immemorial imagination.”

    The mythologies of the world, often thought to be divinely inspired, are many-layered, rich, symbolic road maps of and for humanity, living in our imagination and speaking to the heart. The heart realm encompassing imagination is fertile ground for understanding what myths and stories in sacred texts speak to us. 

    Two stories, one from the Old Testament, and one from the New Testament reveals the hubris of humanity seeking power and fame, and the other the possibility of transformation through an open mind and heart to an awakened consciousness.

     The Old Testament story of the Tower of Babel tells of the descendants of Nimrod in the land of Shinar, who sought to build a tower to reach heaven. God responds, “Now, nothing will be restrained from them which they have imagined to do.” and confounds their common language into many languages, so they can no longer communicate to complete the tower. In essence, they were planning to "invade" heaven to display their power and to keep and expand their prominence and reputation. Their efforts were thwarted, as their motivation was not out of humility, faith, or toward moral development—all thought of in most religious traditions as the way to approach, know and/or experience the divine.
     A counter story to the Tower of Babel is found in the New Testament. On the third day after Christ's crucifixtion and death, it is told that he rose from the dead to walk again on the earth. On Shavuot, (an ancient Jewish holiday 50 days after Passover) Christ appeared to a  gathering of the Twelve Apostles, his mother, Mary, other female disciples, his brothers and a larger crowd (Acts 1:14). Earlier he had told his diciples they were to await a baptism, not from water, but from the Holy Spirit. On this day the Holy Spirit descends, and miraculously they beginto speak other languages, and diverse crowd hears and understands what is said  

    "Then they were all amazed and marveled, saying to one another, 'Look, are not all these who speak Galileans? And how is it that we hear, each in our own language in which we were born? Parthians and Medes and Elamites, those dwelling in Mesopotamia, Judea and Cappadocia, Pontus and Asia, Phrygia and Pamphylia, Egypt and the parts of Libya adjoining Cyrene, visitors from Rome, both Jews and proselytes, Cretans and Arabs – we hear them speaking in our own tongues the wonderful works of God.” (Acts 2:8-11) 

    With the decent of the Holy Spirt, the apostles, for the first time, understood what they had been taught as diciples and now, what their mission would henceforth be. They received a new consciousness and would teach over the earth what they had learned in the three years as diciples. With humility, patience and devotion, they unknowingly built an “inner tower” (or temple) to divine knowledge. As simple fisherman, lovingly motivated, they had struggled to learn and understand, and in a moment they were enlightened, not though the letter of the law, but through its Spirit. 

     In the end, they harvested the fruits of the seeds cast that had taken root. One could say they were blessed with understanding beyond words. Their hearts were held open to what Martin Buber describes as"…the unconditional mystery which we encounter in every sphere of our lives and which cannot be comprised in any formula.”

    Today, Christians celebrate Pentecost the fiftieth day after Easter to mark the descent of the Holy Spirit.

    Metaphorically, the descent of the Holy Spirit symbolizes an open heart to spiritual awakening--a new consciousness and understanding that we are united in the global community, no matter what language, and our work is to serve others, our community--and the world.

“The heart has its own language. The heart knows a hundred thousand ways to speak.”

Note: The Masks of God, is a four-volume series of comparative mythology by Joseph Campbell.

Saying Goodbye - Not Asking Why

I can't imagine looking upon my children's faces and not recognizing them. Now grown men with families, they are still the precious wellsprings of existence, impressed upon my heart with all the delights and concerns of parenthood.
     My father stares at me, with that smile, a grin really. It is not a smile that can be readily associated with a particulr feeling or thought. In a way, it is blank and, in another way, expectant—a bit like a child's, but not like a child's is pure and expressive of sheer joy. My father's smile is not joyful, but an involuntary response in every and all situations. Still, I futilely asked questions (to which he does not answer), or tell him something (that he does not understand or remember). I have not stopped initiating these exchanges: question/smile, statement/smile, though I do not expect anything different. 

     Although I am used to not receiving answers or having him show interest in informative statements, today I ask the question I have avoided for many months.
     “Dad, do you know who I am. Do you know my name?”
     There comes that same look and smile, but this time I think I see the very tiniest glimmer in his eyes that may suggest he feels he "should" know me, so I ask again.
     “Dad, do you know my name? What is my name?” Nothing but that smile. Then I ask,    “Do you remember?”
     "No,” he says. 

     I am not disappointed or sad. Didn't I already know? I reach over and give him a hug, and tell him I love him. “I love you too,” he says, words he had never spoken to me in all of my 60 years. I do think in some indicernable way, he at least knows that I am a significant person in his life. I would like to think that, but I can’t be sure. If he lives long enough, there may come a time when he does not respond to me at all, or to anyone else or anything.
    Some words of wisdom come to mind. From an unexpected place, a Rolling Stones' song, came: “You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well, you just might find you get what you need." And, from Marcus Arielius' Meditations came: "What we cannot bear removes us from life, the rest can be borne." As I say goodbye to my father day by day, I realize I have received what I needed. And over the years, life has given me many moments of grace and mercy allowing me to distance myself from what I could not bear, so I could manage what remained. In my father's case, his loss of memory has not only distanced him, but freed him to reveal the essence of who he is, able now to express gratitude for the care he receives, and the love that had been hidden as I was growing up.
    Faded with his former self is the stress of worries, anxiety, fears, and the burden of the obligations and responsbilities of providing for his family. One of the main burdens he carried was the tragedy of the life-long addiction of my younger brother, Ronnie who died of an overdose just when my father had begun showing signs of dementia. As a parent myself, I know my father must have struggled with so many conflicting feelings of hope, disappointment, guilt, anger, despair, all with the abiding love a parent has for a child, unexpressed or not.
     I am sure I have made my share of mistakes parenting, but fortunatley, I have seen my sons grow into caring, loving parents themselves, whom, I believe, do not doubt that they are loved and valued, as I once had.
     I am grateful for many things in my life, especially the realization that I whisper to my father as I leave him today, and as I also said to my mother on her death bed a year ago. Hopefully, it is what my children will be able to say to me:
     "You did the best you could, the best you knew how. That is all any of us can do."

        

     "Good bye, Dad." 

My father passed away in September of 2010

The Snow Man

One must have a mind of winter

To regard the frost and the boughs

Of the pine-trees crusted with snow; 

And have been cold a long time 

To behold the junipers shagged with ice, 

The spruces rough in the distant glitter

Of the January sun; and not to think 

Of any misery in the sound of the wind, 

In the sound of a few leaves, 

Which is the sound of the land 

Full of the same wind 

That is blowing in the same bare place

For the listener, who listens in the snow,

And, nothing himself, beholds

Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.

                                        Wallace Stevens

HOLY GROUND AND LAMEDVAVNKIS

Every Place You Stand is Holy Ground (Excerpt)
By: Rabbi Melanie Aron
January 20, 2006

I knew that there were nudist colonies but I hadn't realized that there were social organizations of people who prefer to go barefoot until I went googling for the text in Joshua about removing one's sandals and instead found the Society for Barefoot Living. They preach the health and spiritual benefits of being shoeless, in their words, "symbolizing a way of living vulnerable and sensitive to our surroundings."

My associations with being barefoot are mixed. First , I associate being shoeless with poverty, with those who can't afford shoes, or who are using cardboard and other makeshift materials to cover their feet. For many shoes have been a luxury item, remember the Chelmites carrying their boots so that they wouldn't get muddy. What we consider a basic necessity has been considered by other generations, an extravagance, a special comfort. That's part of why we don't wear our leather shoes on Yom Kippur, but rather afflict ourselves by depriving ourselves of their comfort.

Second, there is the expresssion, "barefoot and pregnant," the image of women held down and held back, restricted to the domestic sphere by their condition and by the lack of the protective gear that would allow them to get out and about in the outside world.

On the more positive side, taking off your shoes at the end of the day, represents comfort and relaxation. It is a sort of Shabbat moment. Work is done and you are entering another realm. Think of the old movies in which the man of the house comes home and exchanges his shoes for a pair of comfortable slippers. Being able to take off your shoes is being at home and at rest.

Taking off shoes can also mean more. There are times when one actively takes off one's shoes as a sign of respect- as in entering a mosque, or a Japanese home, at least since the 8th century.

In this week's Torah portion of course, it is Moses who is told to take off his shoes: Shal Naalechah me'al raglecha, ki hamakom asher atah omed, admat kodesh hu. Take off your shoes from your feet, for the place wherein you stand is holy ground.

This is the first reference to consecrated ground in the Torah, and it is interesting to note that it is not in Jerusalem or even in the land of Israel, but out there in the wilderness of Midian. Later this idea of removing your shoes on holy ground will be extended to the Beit Hamikdash, to the Temple in Jerusalem, where it was customary for the priests to walk around barefoot in the holy precincts. That was probably the custom in ancient synagogues as well, as evidenced by the practice in modern Karaaite congregations. Presently in Orthodox synagogues, when the kohanim come up on the three pilgrimage holidays to bless the people with the priestly blessing, they remove their shoes as well.

I wonder what it means that in the presence of the holy we Jews cover our heads as a sign of respect, but uncover our feet.

The simplest explanation of course is that in removing one's shoes, one leaves behind the shmutz of the outside world. Wipe off the mud and filth when you enter God's sanctuary. As you enter the holy, separate yourself from all the dross of the world.

Another explanation is that shoes are a protective layer and so those with shoes can walk anywhere without paying special attention. But when one is barefoot one must pay attention to where one is walking. A person aware of holiness pays attention, real attention, to where they are going and on what they are treading.

Rabbi Pliskin takes us in another direction when he quotes a famous Musar teacher in explaining this verse. He teaches:

When a person finds himself in a situation with many distractions and difficulties, he is likely to say: "When my situation improves, then I will be able to do what I really aspire to do, to seek holiness, to study Torah and do mitzvoth, but not right now. Now all I can think about are these problems, holiness will have to wait until other things calm down."

"In this situation," said the Chofetz Chayim, "this verse of the Torah applies. Ki hamakom asher atah omed, admat kodesh hu. The place upon which you are standing, that is the exact situation in which you find yourself, is a holy place. In whatever distracting and difficult situation you find yourself, there are opportunities for holiness.

Finally there is what I learned from "Rabbi" Woody Guthrie. No, you're right, he wasn't Jewish, and certainly had mixed feelings about organized religion, though he was for a while married to the daughter of a well known Yiddish poetess. Some of Woody Guthrie's Jewish related writings have been brought to life recently by the Klezmatics- including one song: "Holy Ground.} In it he teaches another important lesson, he sings:

Every place you tread is holy ground, every little inch, every grain of dirt is holy ground."

Every place, even your work place, even your kid's messy bedroom, even your errands, every place you walk is holy ground, 

Rabbi Jack Riemer tells a story about the extraordinary power of the awareness of holiness - I am not sure on what it is based, but since there are many similar stories, I am going to take a few liberties and tell it my way.

There was once a community that was in deep trouble. They were shrinking, they were impoverished, they couldn't get along. No one would step up to leadership and if they did they would be destroyed by those who criticized them. Clearly it was a community heading downhill.

This little town had some self awareness about their predicament, so they invited a famous rabbi to come and speak with them. However, after meeting with them, the rabbi did not have a solution, not to their shrinking population, not to their poverty, not to their dysfunctional communal structure. When he left the people were even more discouraged than before, except that just as he was about to go, someone heard him say, that one of the 36 righteous, one of the lamedvavniks upon which the world depends, lived in this little town. 

Now maybe he said "efsher" (meaning "perhaps") one of the lamedvavniks lived in this town; no matter, word began to spread and slowly, slowly things began to change. Instead of treating each other roughly, people became a little bit more courteous - after all you wouldn't want to be rude to a lamedvavnik. They began to listen to each other, they were more willing to give each other the benefit of the doubt. After all, the motivations of a lamedvavnik would certainly be kindly. 

Slowly the town got cleaned up, people began supporting each other, the economy improved, and other people passing through found it a pleasant community and decided to settle there. Looking back the people wondered.

The rabbi had done nothing [but planted a seed], and yet accomplished a great deal. All these changes because of an "efsher" (a perhaps, a hint) to remember that every spot on earth is holy ground.

City of Brahma-Space of the Heart

The History of Indian Philosophy divides the thirteen principle Upanishads into two groups, those of the Brahmana period and those which originate later. Those of the Brahman period are seven, Brhadarnayaka, Chandogya, Kausitaki, Isa, Taittiriya, Aitareya, and Kena, with the Brhadarnayaka (Brih) and Chandogya (Chand) as the eldest of this group. The Brahmana period is between 800 - 600 B.C. In these earlier ones, the "space of the heart" is the domain of Brahman. Here is an excerpt:

Now what is here--in this city of Brahma [explained by Sankara as the body] is an abode, a small lotus flower. Within that is a small space. What is within that should be searched out; that, assuredly, is what one should desire to understand.

If they [pupils] should say to him: "This abode, the small lotus-flower that is here in this city of Brahma, and the small space within that, what is there that should be searched out, which assuredly one should desire to understand?"

He should say: "As far, verily, as this world-space "(ayamakasa) extends, so far extends the space within the heart. Within it, indeed, are contained both heaven and earth, both fire and wind, both sun and moon, lightning and the stars, both what one possesses here and what one does not possess; everything here is contained within it."

©1999 John Scanlan/All Rights Reserved